I can't hear you cuz I'm stupid

This is going to be a rant. If you're not interested in reading a rant, come back later when I'm closer to a glass half full of the milk of human kindness.

I'd like to have a little talk about cell phones. I don't mean how people so often answer them when they're with other people- friends or strangers- and then have the conversation right there in front of us all as if we'd just before asked what they were up to these days. "Oh my, that's such a long story. I know! Listen in on this call and it'll give you a snapshot."

I also don't mean the people who use their cell phones at unsafe times. Say when they're crossing the street. Or when they're turning left on a green light and they're supposed to yield but instead, when the phone rings and it's their dad they feel they have to take it so they do and, they drive right into the front of my car and total it.

Being nearly a half century old provides one with more than just a sense of perspective, it also means one can remember things. (Okay not everything. And, no, not always where the car is parked at the store as well as what one is to buy at the store. But I know the words and tune to two different versions of "Hound Dog", all three versions of the Free Credit Report dot Com ads plus the Hillshire Farms commercials, and I know that Pure Prairie League performed "Amie". So it's not like my brain is devoid of all usefull information.)

One thing I remember very clearly is how people used phones before there were cellphones. "Yeah, yeah. Most people remember phones before cellphones. We remember early cellphones. Why on the first few season's of 'The X Files' Mulder's cellphone was so big it looked like he was talking into Maxwell Smart's shoe."

I remember when all I really wanted for Christmas was a Princess phone. I remember when my grandmother refused to use her phone during certain hours because she had a party line- which isn't as much fun as it sounds and doesn't cost $5.99 per minute- and she didn't want to interfere with her neighbor's rights and opportunities to use the phone. And I remember how people reacted when they got a long distance call.

I didn't know anyone who got a call from overseas; in all the cases I witnessed the participants were four hours or fewer apart from each other. For each instance the behavior was the same: Someone would answer the phone, they'd determine the identity of the caller and who they wished to speak to, then they would turn to that person and hiss, "It's your mother"- if it was their mother- then in a much louder hiss they'd add "Long distance".

You're probably wondering why someone would say "long distance" at that point. If you live in Wisconsin and your mother lives in California and she's calling you from there then naturally she's calling you long distance. No one should have to explain the conditions to you in other words. But the phrase "long distance" was not uttered sotto voce for the benefit of the intended recipient of the call. It was a cue to the other people in hearing distance as to how they should behave. Televisions and radios were shut off. Depending on the time of day, children were taken outside or to other rooms where they were shushed. It didn't really matter that these precautions were taken to render the vicinity as quiet as possible. It didn't matter because the first thing the person who was handed the receiver did was...shout into it. "HELLO, MOTHER. IT'S GOOD TO HEAR YOUR VOICE."

Why did they do this? Some of them did it because America was more rural then and they had grown up running and yelling and working and playing outside. They were used to arguing baseball rules across a field and calling people to dinner who were in the back forty.

The other reason many people shouted was because this was a long distance call. These were not stupid people. They were leading productive lives. They had most likely not seen the highly informative video "How Your Phone Works" but if they'd thought about it they probably grasped the idea that there were wires running into their house and into Mrs. Avery's house and into Mom's house that carried the conversations. Well if everything is being transported by wires then it doesn't really matter how far away the other person is, does it? There are wires here and wires there and it all works the same whether it's Mrs. Avery down the block or Mom in California. Right? Technically, yes. (Of course it also costs a hell of a lot more to talk to Mom in California and to this day I've yet to have anyone explain that to me in a satisfactory manner.) But in practice, no. The further away the other person was the louder you had to shout.

I'm reminded of those earlier headier days of phone usage whenever I'm out in public but especially when I cross the river and visit the more sophisticated city of Portland. Portland, after all, is bleeding edge. Nike is there. IT firms are there. They had a plan to free wi-fi for the whole city. Portlanders know their technology.

You can figure I was surprised then when I realized how many Portlanders were shouting into their cellphones. Whether they're leading productive lives or not these people are stupid. This is 2008 not 1968 and I have different expectations for people's behavior and their understanding of how things work. We have all seen enough news stories about overheard/intercepted cell phone calls to get that conversations are transmitted over radio waves and you don't need to shout just because there isn't a wire running out the end of your phone. (If you want to learn about the beginnings of wireless communication- Hey! You might find it interesting- you can read about the Alohanet here.)

I don't think lack of knowledge about how cellphones work is what is causing most people to shout into them. I think it's caused by stupidity. I really believe people are shouting into their phones because they're too ignorant to realize they're trying to use the phone in the wrong place. Not wrong because it's offensive although sometimes that's also true. Wrong because there are environmental factors preventing the phone from fulfilling its purpose of enabling communication.

You've probably seen these people. (If you were one of these people I doubt you would have read this far.) In an elevator, descending in a parking garage built by someone whose sideline was fashioning fall-out shelters:(spoken loudly) "Yes, I'm on my way to the car now."

Another floor down and the thick walls and wiring interfere: (as if speaking to someone who's old or a non-native speaker of English) "I said I'm in an elevator and I'm on the way to the car. Can you hear me? I. AM. IN. AN. ELEVATOR!"

One floor below the sign reading "Abandon all hope..." but the phone user hasn't: (in a voice used for calling "Chow's on" to the back forty) "Can you hear me? Hello? Hello! I was in an elevator?" Shakes phone. (This works for remotes and flashlights but I've never seen it work with a phone.) "Screw it! I'll have to drive over and do this in person".

But these were not the stupidest people I saw. That dubious honor goes to the folks who were walking beside the Max train talking on their cellphones. They had the phone up to one ear and they would put their fingers in or hand over their other ear- the one closest to the train tracks- in an attempt to block out the noise and continue the conversation. Unless you're negotiating a hostage situation, an organ transplant, or a way to make people stop knitting or crocheting those Martha Stewart "Freedom" ponchos then there is no reason not to stop and continue your conversation somewhere and somewhen else. After all, at this point it seems to be consisting of "Talk louder! I can't hear you! I'm walking beside an effing train trying to shout over it! What? Because I'm completely stupid!"

Okay. Maybe that last was really just editorializing on my part. I can't be sure though. It's hard to hear well when you're standing beside an effing train.